If you are a consent geek, curious about consent or have no idea about consent, then this blog will possibly be of interest to you. I had some recent insights recently and inspiration to write this. I was leaving an audio message for a dear friend and fellow Cuddle Colleague (Marianna), about the Ask and Wait consent method I recently experienced with a new client, and it hit me how profound it is and has many benefits that I had overlooked.
The 2 consent methods
(It's possible there is more, but these are the two I learnt from my training with (Cuddle Sanctuary):
Blanket Yes
Ask and Wait
I share these methods at the beginning of every initial cuddle session with a new client, and ask them which one they prefer. (Occasionally I use Ask and Wait straight out of the gate, eg if the new client has a history of trauma/is feeling very anxious/hyperactive).
I use these methods interchangeably throughout sessions.
"Blanket Yes" means we'll cuddle and everything is yes as long as its within the Code of Conduct /Waiver and is platonic. I realised that this is a great method as we may get an opportunity to speak up if we feel uncomfortable, or set a boundary (or realise we don't like something, e.g having our face touched).
The "Ask and Wait" method is exactly this. One person asks, eg May I hold your hand? and then waits for the other to respond, before actually doing it.
Benefits.
I realised in a recent session, while talking about this approach, that this is actually very profound as it gives the person time to pause and check in with their body and feelings.
It gives the person time to tune in and listen to their body.
Then they get to say yes, or no, or give an alternative if they are no, or to say no, is there anything else? Sometimes saying No to someone can be vulnerable, it can be expansive, it can feel empowering.
If they say no then that gives the asker the opportunity to receive the persons no and respect their boundary, feel any feelings that may arise and allow them, like rejection.
It can open up a conversation, vulnerability, self-reflection.
I allow and encourage clients to share freely and be authentic. I've experienced many wonderful conversations around what comes up for people when they hear a "no", or difficulty asking for what they want.
Asking for what we want.
This approach allows the person to ask for what they want and need which can be either easeful or challenging. I've heard clients share insights around why asking for what they want is difficult. I discuss with clients that in order to ask for what they want they have to first identity what it is they want, then value it, trust it, then put into words and speak it out loud. I have a much deeper appreciation for people when they ask for what they want because I have some awareness around the process they went through to ask.
(This was discovered in Like a Pro course by Betty Martin)
This model has so many golden nuggets that I feel so excited and inspired, hence why I'm writing this blog.
Are there other ways of consent you use or know of that have been beneficial? Please share.
Thanks for reading, and happy cuddling!
